Thursday, December 2, 2010

An interesting personal reflection on marriage & Prop 8


"When my heterosexual clients decide to get married, it usually marks a transition in their relationship, a deepening into a different kind of commitment to longevity, a vow to be faithful to whatever promises they make to each other about the shape and structure of their relationship. For heterosexual clients following the traditional path of dating-engagement-marriage, the wedding is a rite of passage in their relationship, a public invocation and formalization of new rules and boundaries. 
For queer clients getting married, it’s a political action. Some have come to me to work out their feelings about marriage because their children have asked them to get married, wanted their families to have the same rituals and signifiers as their peers in school. For many couples, the ambivalence about getting married, about having a wedding, stems from the sense that they have already been married, sometimes for decades. "

Full story follows .....


http://www.lgbtpov.com/2010/02/visible-and-vulnerable-my-marriage-and-the-psychological-impact-of-prop-8/

Visible and Vulnerable: My marriage and the psychological impact of Prop 8

by KAREN OCAMB on FEBRUARY 13, 2010 | 8:54 AM
Keiko LaneVisible and Vulnerable: My marriage and the psychological impact of Prop 8
It’s a strange anxiety that permeates my psychotherapy practice these weeks of waiting, after the end of testimony in the Prop 8 trial, and before the final ruling. 
It seems like most of my clients are talking about marriages, their own or others’, among their families and friends. Conversations start and stop—halting, hesitant. Some of my politically active heterosexual clients hesitate to talk about their marriages or engagements while their lesbian, gay and transgender friends are in awkward, political limbo.
Queer clients talk cautiously about the struggles in their partnerships as though fearing any exposure of problems in queer marriages works against the cause. It’s a vulnerable time. My clients walk through the world with heightened awareness of visibility and vulnerability. And so do I.
phyllis-lyon-del-martin-2004In my psychotherapy practice, marriage has been a frequent topic since Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon were wed by Gavin Newsom in 2004. Couples who had always dreamed of a recognizable signifier to mark their relationship began to plan weddings. Couples who had never considered getting married because it wasn’t a possibility now had to make a conscious decision. And a few heterosexual couples who had refused the institution of marriage out of solidarity with their lesbian and gay friends now began to consider getting married. Parents of clients began to speculate about which partner would adopt whose family’s name.
Even my partner’s mother who assumed we’d get married wondered if I’d be taking theirs.
My partner and I have always been ambivalent about the institution of marriage, its misogynistic history as a business arrangement between one man and another. And yet we also come from families where marriage works. My partner’s parents were married for more than 50 years. My parents, still in love, are an interracial couple who married at City Hall in Los Angeles in a small ceremony with a few friends as witnesses. That was just two years after Loving v. Virginia.
We never planned on getting married. For years we were registered domestic partners, covered on each other’s health insurance, named on emergency forms, and shared our bank accounts. But because we are both longtime activists and easily pissed off, when the polling numbers for Prop 8 started making us nervous, we planned a quickie Halloween City Hall wedding.
Keiko - wedding cakeMeanwhile, in my psychotherapy practice, my clients were surprised by the things that scared them. The ones who were already deeply committed to their partners with visions of a long life together discovered that they weren’t frightened about the idea of being married. Mostly, they were frightened by the idea of a wedding, and what weddings and the process of marrying signified in their families of origin.
Marriage creates a common language in any given family system to talk about relationships and commitment. For some clients, this has meant thinking about the ways in which they are determined to have marriages different from the marriages of their parents and grandparents. For other clients, and for me and my partner, marriage has given us a common language with our parents to talk about the ways in which our relationships are similar, and to acknowledge the ways they have modeled loving and committed partnerships.
About a week before our wedding, we went to San Francisco’s City Hall to fill out our paperwork. Walking through the rotunda where just a few weeks earlier we had attended Del Martin’s political memorial, a woman in jeans and a sweatshirt approached us, out of breath, shy and urgent. She and her partner of eight years had traveled from Alaska with their two young sons to get married. The first vacation they had ever taken with their kids, they were getting married because they wanted to adopt a third child. Though they were raising their two biological children, an adoption social worker told them that their chances of having a child placed with them were better if they had a tangible, legal marker of their relationship. They hoped that the adoption agency would consider a marriage certificate as proof of their stability.
I watched them, their ease with each other, the ways they calmed each other’s fears as they told us their story, the ways they kept vigilant over their two sons gleefully running up and down the steps of the rotunda. What other proof did they need? Witnesses. My partner and I stood teary next to them as they read their vows, crying and holding hands and hurrying through the ceremony as their restless boys raced each other on the marble steps.
The morning of our wedding we woke to rain. My parents, who had arrived the day before with my 74-year-old auntie, were already dressed and making lattes in the kitchen. We woke up my aunt and got dressed. Our friend Becky, who planned to meet us at City Hall, called to ask if we had flowers. “Ummm,” I said, looking at the dark sky. “I’ll get some,” she said.
Keiko - lanternsIt was still raining when we arrived at City Hall. Waiting for a few friends, we watched the activity around us. Occasional bursts of applause from balconies and landings announced new marriages. With less than two weeks until Election Day, LGBTQ couples like us were marrying as quickly as we could, just in case our rights were taken away. My auntie, who spent her childhood in Manzanar Internment Camp, watched the couples intently, nodding her head. Becky arrived carrying a bouquet of Japanese lanterns that symbolize fortune and blessings, and whose bright orange blossoms were the perfect color for the dark Halloween morning.
Kids in costume swarmed the halls and balconies. Groups of eight-year-olds wandered from their classmates as their teachers called for them. A nursery school teacher in a Cruella de Ville costume and white-striped wig led a procession of children dressed as 101 Dalmations, clad in safety-pinned tails and white and black spotted t-shirts. Our friends emerged from behind the Dalmatians, and we walked up the stairs to a small, quiet balcony.
When my heterosexual clients decide to get married, it usually marks a transition in their relationship, a deepening into a different kind of commitment to longevity, a vow to be faithful to whatever promises they make to each other about the shape and structure of their relationship. For heterosexual clients following the traditional path of dating-engagement-marriage, the wedding is a rite of passage in their relationship, a public invocation and formalization of new rules and boundaries.
Keiko - older weddingFor queer clients getting married, it’s a political action. Some have come to me to work out their feelings about marriage because their children have asked them to get married, wanted their families to have the same rituals and signifiers as their peers in school. For many couples, the ambivalence about getting married, about having a wedding, stems from the sense that they have already been married, sometimes for decades.
I wondered the same thing, standing in the balcony, holding my partner’s hand, our loved ones gathered around us. Weren’t we already married? Hadn’t we already made these promises when we knew we were in love and committed to being together? When she moved across the country because of my career? When we flew to Florida as her father was dying and stayed for weeks to take care of her mother? When I was wheeled in for surgery and she paced in the waiting room, calling my parents with updates? When we set aside our weekend plans as a couple because one of our friends needs some TLC?
Our marriage ceremony was brief. It was performed by our friend Steven, a San Francisco City Health Commissioner and AIDS educator who talked as much to our friends and family as he did to us. He asked them to vow to stand in support of us as we move through the world, and as we move through the day-to-day joys and difficulties of continuing to build the life that we’d been building together for years.
Photo by Dina Boyer
Photo by Dina Boyer
Steven asked if we had rings. Fifteen years earlier, a beloved friend in the AIDS activist community had given me a set of silver stacking rings, placing them gently on my ring finger as a reminder of my connection to my community in the wake of a terrible season of deaths. Though my partner and I had exchanged rings years earlier over an intimate dinner at home on an anniversary, we had wanted something to mark the occasion of our legal marriage. Taking apart the set of rings and giving one to her in our ceremony marked not only our marriage to each other, but located us within a community to which we would continue to be committed.
After we signed the marriage papers, Steven kissed us goodbye and hurried off to catch a plane to Africa. He was going to help open an AIDS clinic.
Part of the uneasiness in the LGBTQ activist community about the focus on marriage has stemmed from a concern that a movement toward nuclear families would move us away from a commitment to community. Had gay marriage been legal in the 1980s and 1990s, would the community have knitted together so closely to take care of our friends and chosen family dying of AIDS?
Activists, myself included, feared that a LGBTQ focus on the family would deter us from a commitment to fighting for health care, fair and humane immigration policy, and end to torture, poverty, gendered violence, and class and race based disparities in education. But as I’ve settled into my own marriage, and watched some of my clients settle into theirs, I am reminded that the fear is only true if we believe families exist in a cultural vacuum, outside of our responsibilities and connections to our communities.
After leaving City Hall, my parents took us to lunch where my father and our friends toasted us, and we them.
Keiko - Oliver the dogThe rain kept falling late into evening, drowning the candle in the pumpkin my mother had carved. We couldn’t stop smiling at each other as we handed out Halloween candy to the neighborhood children, our silver rings catching the glow from the porch light.
Finally, exhausted from the day, from our vulnerability and visibility in the long battle, we went to bed early: my parents to the guest room; auntie to our bedroom; and Oliver, our 80-lb dog, thinking it was a slumber party, kept trying to join us on our lumpy living room futon.

My parents' friend, the Nurse (who will overturn Don't Ask Don't Tell)

I must admit that this is a story that my *parents* have been keeping me up to date on. They are friends of Witt's family. I'm excited that her case is getting so much (positive) press in recent months. Also interesting, and unknown to me before this KUOW interview: the reason Witt was outed was due to a jealous husband. Wow.


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The fight over the future of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy is playing out in the nation's capital. But here in Washington state, a former Air Force officer who was discharged for homosexual conduct is trying to return to the service. Major Margaret Witt has been waging a multi–year court battle over her 2007 dismissal. She won her case in US District Court in September. But it's not clear whether the Air Force will allow her to rejoin her former unit. KUOW's Deborah Wang has more.

TRANSCRIPT
Major Margaret Witt was a flight nurse in the Air Force Reserves. She was part of the 446th Aeromedical Evacuation Squadron at Joint Base Lewis–McChord.
Witt's troubles began back in 2004 when she got involved with a married woman. The woman's estranged husband outed Witt to Air Force officials. She was investigated, found guilty of homosexual conduct and formally discharged in 2007.
Witt sued the Air Force, challenging her dismissal, and this past September, after a four year legal battle she prevailed. A US District Court judge ruled Witt's discharge was not justified because the Air Force had not proven Witt's sexual preference caused any harm to her unit.
The Air Force is now appealing. But so far it has not sought a stay of the judge's order, which means that Witt might still be able to rejoin her former unit while the case winds its way through the courts once again.
Yesterday, Witt appeared with her lawyers at the Seattle offices of the American Civil Liberties Union.
Witt: "It was disappointing that they appealed. Uh, I had a little more faith than that. But I'm ready. I'm still thrilled that, meanwhile, I still have the chance to go back, and I'm ready. I'm an officer. It's another mission, and I'll be ready when that time comes."
But whether Witt can in fact rejoin her unit is the subject of some debate.
Witt says she is close to completing the requirements for re–instatement. The rules say she must work as a nurse for 180 hours this year. She has completed 130 so far. Her lawyers say she should be ready to rejoin her unit by the end of this month or perhaps next.
But the Air Force has not indicated it will allow Witt to be re–instated. A spokesperson says the Air Force has not received evidence that Witt meets the requirements to serve, and even if she does meet the requirements, the Air Force still has the option of seeking a stay, which would prevent her from being re–instated until the appeal is heard. Witt's lawyers say they have been told informally that the Air Force is unlikely to do that.
All this legal wrangling could become moot, as Congress is now debating whether to end the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Whatever the outcome of her case, Witt says she wants to see the policy overturned.
Witt: "I hope our elected leaders will repeal this unjust policy and that soon I will be known just as a flight nurse again instead of a lesbian flight nurse. Thank you."
If the Air Force does allow Witt to be re–instated, her lawyers say she will be the first openly gay person to serve in the military since the "don't ask, don't tell" policy was instituted in 1993.
I'm Deborah Wang, KUOW News.
© Copyright 2010, KUOW

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Shunned from her small-minded high school, embraced by the world

http://glaadblog.org/2010/11/05/glamour-magazine-names-constance-mcmillen-a-woman-of-the-year/

Glamour Magazine Names Constance McMillen a “Woman of the Year”

Constance McMillen has been named one of Glamour Magazine’s ‘Women of the Year’ for 2010.  We came to know Constance through her personal ordeal with Itawamba Agricultural High School in Fulton, Mississippi.  The school board rejected her request to bring her girlfriend to the prom as her date, and even further, didn’t allow Constance to wear a tuxedo as she had planned.
Constance didn’t just sit back and accept this discrimination.  Instead, she contacted the American Civil Liberties Union to report what had happened. The ACLU filed a lawsuitagainst her high school stating that her First Amendment rights were violated and also her freedom of expression.
The high school resorted to canceling the prom, and students placed the blame on Constance.  But, while local students may not have been too pleased with her at the time, Constance garnered support around the nation and the world.  In the end, she was awarded $35,000 from her high school, and fellow LGBT supporter Ellen Degeneres donated $30,000 towards her college education.  More importantly, Constance’s high school changed their anti-discrimination policy to include sexual orientation and gender identity.
Constance was not silent about the inequalities that she faced, and GLAAD applauds her nomination as one of Glamour’s ‘Women of the Year’.  Constance has said that she will continue speaking out and spreading the message of tolerance in the hopes of helping others.
The Glamour article recommends helping ‘The Trevor Project‘, an organization that Constance supports, which focuses on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among the LGBTQ community.

Need help with parenting? Ask a lesbian mom for help :)

This study is the latest to enter into the politics of GLBT parenthood. it's a relatively small study in breadth (78 kids of lesbian parents) but much larger than most in terms depth (length of study).

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Study: Zero percent of lesbian mothers abuse their children

Annette Bening and Julianne Moore play lesbian moms in
Annette Bening and Julianne Moore play lesbian moms in "The Kids Are All Right."

Researchers working on the longest-running study of American lesbian families asked children of lesbian mothers if they had ever been physically or sexually abused by a parent and the answer was never in all cases.

In contrast, 26 of American teens as a whole report physical abuse by a parent or caregiver, and 8.3 percent sexual abuse.

The study authors said: "The absence of child abuse in lesbian mother families is particularly noteworthy, because victimization of children is pervasive and its consequences can be devastating. To the extent that our findings are replicated by other researchers, these reports from adolescents with lesbian mothers have implications for healthcare professionals, policymakers, social service agencies, and child protection experts who seek family models in which violence does not occur."

Of course you have to keep in mind that the sample size was small. Researchers interviewed only 78 children, and participants volunteered to be in the study. Researchers asked the 17-year-old sons and daughters of lesbian mothers about their sexual abuse, sexual orientation, and sexual behavior.

In terms of sexual orientation, 2.8 percent of the kids considered themselves predominantly to exclusively homosexual.
Jezebel reports:
The study did find that daughters of lesbian parents were more likely to report same-sex contact, and more likely to identify as bisexual, than the general population. This could just mean that daughters of lesbian moms were more open about their sexuality and less likely to keep their behavior or identification under wraps. But surely homophobes will point to the data as evidence that lesbian moms turn girls gay. Those girls might then grow up to become lesbian moms themselves, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle in which children are repeatedly not abused. Clearly it's time to panic.
The U.S. National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (NLLFS) is in its 24th year at the the Williams Institute, a research center on sexual orientation law and public policy at UCLA School of Law.
Read more: Children of lesbian couples better off

Posted By: Amy Graff (EmailTwitterFacebook) | November 12 2010 at 07:33 AM
Listed Under: LGBT parents


Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=76922#ixzz15B8meoCL

Friday, October 22, 2010

So that's her secret to being so sexy ....

...  Christina Aguilera likes girls too ...
Then again, I always assume this about  over-the-top femmes ! (Hi Christina, and welcome to the club!)

Press Trust Of India
London, October 22, 2010
First Published: 09:00 IST(22/10/2010)
Last Updated: 09:46 IST(22/10/2010)
Popstar Christina Aguilera's marriage to Jordan Bratman ended because of her taste for lesbian flings, according to reports. The Dirrty hitmaker who filed for divorce from the music executive last week, is now being linked to Lindsay Lohan's ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson. The
29-year-old had an "open" relationship with her husband of five years, but he gradually tired of her lesbian romps, reported Sun online.
Jordan, 33, who has a two-year-old son with the singer, is said to have become too jealous and decided to dump Aguilera.
The popstar filed for divorce citing "irreconcilable differences" and has turned to Ronson for emotional support after the split, said the newspaper.
They were seen together at a party thrown by socialite Nicole Richie and a source said that they looked cosy together.
"Christina and Sam looked really close. It was after Christina had split with Jordan but before they announced it.
They have been tight for some time and now people are speculating they could be an item," said a source.
Aguilera has previously confessed to fancying women.
In an interview earlier this year, she said, "If I want to be sexual, it's for my own appreciation and enjoyment.
That's why I like to talk about the fact that sometimes I am attracted to women. I appreciate their femininity and beauty."
"My husband knows that I get into girls. I think it's fun to be open and play. My husband and I check in with each other but I definitely love women," she had said.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Keira Knightly makes a mighty fine lesbian


Sapphic Bride is always happy to see lesbian and non-heteronormative stories available in popular culture -- and Keira Knightley is doing her part. Thanks, Keira!

http://www.dnaindia.com/entertainment/report_keira-knightley-to-make-her-west-end-debut-as-a-sexy-lesbian_1455677


Rumours are abuzz that Keira Knightley will make her West End debut as a sexy suspected lesbian in Lillian Hellman's The Children's Hour. 
Details are still being worked out, but the plan is to open the show in London early next year and then, if it's successful, bring it to Broadway next winter, reports he New York Post. 
Written in 1934, it's set in a girls' boarding school and tells the story of two female teachers whose lives are destroyed when one of their students spreads the rumour that they're lovers.
The play was banned in Boston but opened in Paris to sensational reviews.
It debuted on Broadway in 1936 and instantly turned Hellman into one of the most famous writers of her day.
No word yet on who'll play Knightley's "special friend" -- Rosie O'Donnell, maybe -- but the production will be directed by Ian Rickson, who staged a terrific revival a few years ago of The Seagull on Broadway.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Wedding photos

Where do I even begin in describing the meaning and activities surrounding our wedding day? It sounds so cliche' (and it is cliche' since everyone says this about their wedding), but it was truly one of the best days of my life. So transformative, so powerful, so amazing to have loved ones gather to witness and celebrate our ritual of love and commitment. We have dozens of photos from my camera and others' as well, but are still waiting on most of the official photos. The two photos here were taken by our official photographer and friend, Laurence Kim. Once we get more of these I'm going to send then to the editor of Seattle Bride with an invitation to publish them.  Until then I'm also hunting around for the best online place to archive our collection of photos from wedding week as well as from our honeymoons ...