family obligations

I'm worried that I might have violated a basic piece of advice for wedding planners -- especially people planning a gay wedding: don't invite anyone who isn't going to be supportive of your union. duh, right?

But, then there's family. Does a lack of finger pointing count as support? Of course not. If someone used to cry at the slightest mention of gay-anything, but doesn't anymore ... does this count as support? Right. Sending out a survey of attitudes on gay marriage didn't sound too kosher either as a way of determining the guest list. And so we guessed and crossed our fingers.

We sent out our first round of wedding invites last weekend -- to close family and friends. We have a tight budget and not a big reception space, so we took great pains to say who was on this list. Mom and dad are on it, as are some cousins and aunts and uncles. These spots otherwise would go to friends who we know would be thrilled to share in our day. Some friends on the list are already responding in glee. Any word yet from family? None. Except for one, with whom I spoke last night. Mom said to me:

"I got your wedding invitation. Sorry I can't be more excited about it. You have to understand that it's just hard for me to understand."

I said, "mom, I want you to know that you should feel no pressure or obligation to come to my wedding. I only want people there who are not just "ok" with it, but who are happy for us." To which she said,

"We will be there because that's what families do; they are there for one another in times of need."

She said this as if she had to come clean up a pile of dog shit on my carpet. What sacrifice! The lengths that family go to be there in "times of need"!

But then I remembered my own logic around creating the guest list -- some are on there because of my own notions of family obligation.

My hope is that only those who want to be there will come. Doubts, fears, jealousies, and etc about traveling to new territory (literally or metaphorically) may also be at play for some guests. Of course, since my bride and I will also be traveling into new territory as a couple, fears and high emotions may also be at play for us. My hope is that our guests' can keep their own fears on the back burner for that day -- to leave space for supporting and witnessing the joyous celebration of our commitment.